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Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Promo for Phantasms in the Infirmary

Mental Dental.... Book two

The follow up to Mental Dental (Murder by Proxy) is being written.
A mystery thriller that packs a lot of bite. This one too is fast becoming a great read. It will keep you guessing as the twists and turns keep happening in front of your very eyes.

I'm hoping it will be available in time for Christmas... Believe it or not, it will soon be here!

I know this may sound like a ploy to sell the 1st book but you really need to read the ingeniously different book in order to make sense of the follow up story.

I do need some suggestions for book 2, so any suggestions would be welcome.
As an incentive, I will send the person making the winning suggestion a free signed copy.

Get your thinking caps on and read MD MBP...
Mental Dental

Monday, 29 August 2016

Grandfather tales

Summer is nearly over. The year continues to fly by, it will soon be Christmas again.
No one wants to see the year end, however, it's wishing your life away.
However this year, I look forward to it as we will become grandparents yet again. The newest leaf in our evergreen family tree is due on 1st of January.
Baby G, we await your arrival with bated breath.
I cannot wait to meet you, greet you and welcome you to our family. Blessed with you and yours forever.

In the meantime...  Back to books!
Try this link
Grandfather tales

Thursday, 25 August 2016

Continuity of a great story... MENTAL DENTAL MBP II

Thank you to all the readers who are actively reading my books.
The activity on the kindle editions seems very healthy and encouraging.

With that in mind, I am excited at the progress of my new novel, the follow up to Mental Dental (Murder by Proxy)

My hope,  should I say target, is to have it ready by Christmas.

It's really a great relief and exciting seeing the stories develop. The aim is to provide a great tale to continue the original story line as it "has legs" ... And it will run!!

This time,  I will have a pre release date and a chance to pre-order for Christmas on paperback and Kindle. Trying something different for this whopper of a story

So in preparation for the new release, this may be an appropriate time to make an appointment with the dentists and read the precursor to it...  REMEMBER... Mental Dental (MBP) is on Amazon.

Gotta work on the title and cover...  Any suggestions are welcome.

Monday, 22 August 2016

Birthday treat

Well today is my birthday, over a century old... and I feel it!
In order to celebrate this, I am putting my first book on a Kindle countdown deal at only 0.99 ($ / £)
Legally Lucky will be available for immediate download and reading as below and via the following link:
Happy Birthday
Legally Lucky by [Gulrajani, Ram]
Don't miss out

Kindle Countdown Deal
August 24, 2016August 31, 2016Scheduled

Kindle Countdown Deal
August 24, 2016August 31, 2016Scheduled

Friday, 19 August 2016

Check out this item

Take a look at @Author_man_ram's Tweet:

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Art to unwind

After a stressful day, quickly sketching Jim, one of our families dogs to unwind... Great therapy
Still stressed though!!!

Monday, 15 August 2016

Summer writing

It's nice to get some time to write in the garden.
However it is very distracting, looking at the trees swaying in the breeze and the birds bathing in the available water...
One thing about the UK is that the weather is not guaranteed and writing in our garden could be disastrous if the temperature was not right ...
However, efforts of writing in the heat of the summer are difficult, I think I prefer writing and being creative indoors!

What do you prefer?

Thursday, 11 August 2016

Book covers collection and a little ingenuity

Book covers collection a different the RPG Books logo... I think it works!!!

Invasion & Liberation... Gibraltar

A really brave novel written by a fellow author, Battle For The Three Miles.
A Gibraltar based story at a discount from fellow author... Who remains an enigma.
The book written by unknown author CP Ridgeworth.

I am not sure who she is but have read the book and it is a cataclysmic story of what could happen.

I read it on kindle and enjoyed the experience.

The author builds up the characters and the story behind them. Then in chapter 6... It really becomes interesting,  a crescendo of action.

"All was going well when suddenly there was what seemed to be a large explosion that echoed across the city. The crowd were stunned into silence…as if in a state of mass suspended animation, as if a greater being had just simultaneously pressed the pause and mute buttons on an equally powerful remote control bank. The silence was broken by a hum and chatter as people questioned each other in an attempt to establish the cause. ‘It’s not another explosion in the refinery in neighbouring Algeciras is it?’‘Is it an oil tanker exploding in the straits?’…Questions and more enquiries but no answers were forthcoming. There were theories and conjecture but no real facts to go by. No one seemed to make out what the reason for this bang was. The bustle in the crowd was now different as the now confused horde stood about in the hope of information and direction. Within less than a minute, there followed another explosion that resonated in the now silent crowd. It certainly was not scripted in the celebratory agenda, the booms sounded very unlike fireworks and the bewilderment intensified…The confusion and wonder were not solely exclusive to the crowd, police officers from the Royal Gibraltar Police (RGP), soldiers from the regiment and various officials also looked puzzled and urgently sought advice, direction and support which at this point in time were not forthcoming. A flurry of mobile phones seemed to be simultaneously sprang into action as people’s faces were illuminated by their synchronized manoeuvre in their endeavour to establish what the facts and the source of these detonations were. The chatter was intense now, however only broken by the lesser cracks of what seemed to be rifle fire emanating from the east of the tiny peninsula. Women and children were now screaming and crying as their ashen faced husbands and fathers tried to remain protective. At this moment the radio announcer called the massed crowds attention. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, we at the GBC have just been informed there has been a coup d’état in Spain and one of the army Generals, a General Sanchez Zamorano had overthrown the government and taken power, backed by the majority of the Spanish armed forces’. The announcer continued by exclaiming that international sources had feared that this may precipitate the Gibraltar situation and that a possible hostile invasion may ensue…What better way to make a statement of this sort than to make these moves on Gibraltar as it celebrated patriotically? The announcer continued, ‘it has not been confirmed but due to the possible and imminent danger, please make your way home safely, quickly but in an orderly fashion’. It is with this that message that mass hysteria and panic set in as the crowd tried to disperse in a far from orderly fashion. This is a scenario that all Gibraltarians had always feared and never thought would ever become a possibility however; this was the more likely explanation and cause for the disturbing clamour that had arisen to the east of the rock. The Casemate square area was full of people and the exits from it were limited. The square itself was enclosed by the old fortification walls that dated back hundreds of years and the most expansive exit was to head down through the Main Street. There were less wide exits that went to the harbour area and also east, towards the airport and the border with Spain and the citizens scattered all ways. Screaming children were gathered up and people were running.... "

I'm posting this as I just had a tweet saying that it's got a discount code for the paperback edition.
I may be tempted to get a copy

Battle For The Three Miles

At checkout- enter W9MHE9F2

#Save $2.00 #ingenious #Simple

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Discount code - 25% off

Please see and apply the following discount code for 25% off "Hilarity in the Hills" paperback version from Createspace.
How to do it?
It's as easy as 1,2,3

1) Click on the following link:

2) Add the discount code at the checkout

3) Save yourself some money

The offer is limited to the first 100 people only....

Don't miss out on a summer read

There is a scheduled Kindle countdown Deal on the e-version of this book on Amazon UK and .com sites from September 1st - only £ / $ 0.99....
Not to prejudice on non paper readers!!!

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Fantasmas en el Hospital

¿Así que te gusta estar asustado? 
Deber de ser que sí, de lo contrario no 
habrías comprado este libro... bueno pues 
espero no decepcionarte con la siguiente 
colección de historias fantasmales y 
Fantasmas en el hospital es una colección de historias y cuentos de fantasmas, brujas y espíritus que rondan por los hospitales. 
Esta colección está basada en hechos reales. 
Los escalofríos están garantizados. 
Existen pocos edificios y estructuras 
que nos puedan ofrecer tanta esperanza y 
bienestar como un hospital. 
Entiendo que la publicidad no siempre es 
favorable, pero en general, los hospitales, 
como su nombre indica, nos ofrecen refugio, 
hospitalidad y un lugar de recuperación para 
los enfermos y heridos en nuestra sociedad. 
De hecho, estos edificios son construidos 
como instituciones que garantizan la oferta 
de refugio y cuidado llevado a cabo por 
personal capacitado, dedicado y competente. 
Históricamente, muchas de estas 
instituciones fueron desarrolladas en 
numerosos pueblos y ciudades de todo el 
mundo, llegando a ser los centros de ciencia 
y medicina del futuro, pero, por otro lado, 
algunas de estas construcciones no tenían un 
significado muy compasivo. 
Numerosos hospitales, tal y como los 
conocemos ahora, tuvieron orígenes 
alternativos y propósitos lejos de las 
funciones humanitarias que ahora defienden. 
Fueron, en el pasado, asilos, orfanatos, 
manicomios, conventos o monasterios. 
Muchos de ellos, no eran para nada buenos 
lugares en los que ser un residente o 
paciente e irónicamente, no proporcionan 
Contrariamente, los hospitales son también 
un lugar de muerte. No es raro que los 
moribundos sean atendidos en estos 
monumentos de la asistencia sanitaria.  
Son un lugar de compasión para enfermos graves 
y terminales en sus últimos días y momentos 
de sus vidas. 
La mayoría de las personas que mueren están 
preparadas para pasar al "otro lado", 
recibiendo a la muerte como parte de la vida 
y aceptando su llamada fría e inevitable. Tan 
lamentable y triste como la muerte puede 
ser, es inevitable y no se la puede engañar; la 
muerte es parte de la vida y nos pasa a todos. 
Luego están los que están lejos de estar 
listos para pasar a otro plano, en busca de 
algún tipo de inmortalidad. Aquellos que 
tienen "asuntos pendientes", quejas u otras 
razones para no querer viajar al otro mundo 
que nos espera, prefiriendo quedarse 
merodeando en un mundo entre la vida y la 
muerte. Aquellos que no están vivos, pero 
que no han fallecido por completo. 
Esta obra está basada en estos... los espíritus y fantasmas con que compartimos nuestros hospitales. 

Spanish hospital horror book. Translated from the Phantasms in The Infirmary book. 
A fantastic compilation of hospital based ghost stories based on true events and shared by many over the years.

Deaths inflicted by killer dentists

Eighteen murders, seemingly unconnected and occurring sporadically across the UK.
Eighteen undetected crimes, the culprits unaccounted for.

The accused, innocent dentists.
They were treating the patient that was brutally and savagely killed, each one worse than the next.

Well you will just have to download a copy of this ingenious and entertaining read on your local Amazon website.

It's an enthralling book and examines what could happen if things went bad at your next Dental appointment.

Paperback version is also available.

Monday, 8 August 2016

Daring and innovative

Mental Dental (Murder by Proxy)
A book I wrote that has surpassed expectations.
Despite self publishing, it is fast becoming my best seller in paperback and doing okay in Kindle format.
Well it has been extremely well received by readers, been described as ingenious and entertaining.
It is Different and Original.
My plea to you... Try it and you will not be disappointed.

Like the book on the history of glue,  you won't be able to put it down.

It's a roller coaster ride of a tale, a killer thriller.
Dentistry gone Really Bad!

Murderous psychopaths create havoc and mayhem before the very eyes of all at large.

I only hope this never becomes a reality...

To read it click here

Saturday, 6 August 2016

Olympic Read 0.99 only

Kindle Countdown Deal It's on
Only 0.99 for this Olympic Read. 

Amazon UK and .Com 


Friday, 5 August 2016

Dental Treatment

So, I am at the dentists surgery again. Am I happy to be here?  Obviously and categorically.. NO!
However I do hope all is as painless as posible and no scene from my book Mental Dental (Murder by Proxy) becomes a reality.
As I sit in the waiting room,  listening to the flow of water from the fish tank, apart from making me want to pee, I can still hear the drills from across the way... Gulp!
My stomach is churning, butterflies and more. How I wish I wasn't an adult and had an advocate with me, to reassure me all would be fine.
Anyway, the sun is out, I'm updating my blog and I hope I can update you later..    Wish me luck!

Ps... I survived 

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Tweet tweet

Take a look at @Author_man_ram's Tweet:

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Demonic Battle... A sample from the Ultimate Phantasms in the Infirmary

Demonic Battle 

It was a cold and dark night on the wards of St Augustine. The wards were silent as the inpatient population slept with the trustworthy watchful eyes of the nurses looking after them to rely on. The silence was broken by the odd cough and windy escape from the patients as they relaxed into a slumber. All was uneventful and calm. Gail, who was on one of the night shift, sat at the nurses’station with her knitting on her lap as she created another matinée gown for her next grandchild, labouring away on hot clicking knitting needles as she industrially, conjured up another masterpiece. The clicking of the needles was rhythmic as she twisted the wool around the sharp long spines as she “knitted and pearled”the garment into shape. Louise, her colleague, sat in the dim light, reading her novel and automatically answering the occasional yes and no to Gail’s intermittent conversation, trying hard to concentrate on her book. As the couple sat aimlessly waiting for a call buzzer or a patient groan to attend to, there was an almighty crash from the end of the ward. Gail hurled her knitting paraphernalia clumsily on the desk, in total disregard of dropping a stitch and braced herself for a dash down the corridor, Louise did the same. ‘What in heaven’s name was that?’remarked Louise, surprised by the sudden clamour. They both simultaneously lifted up of their comfy seats, nearly crashing heads at the sudden start and headed towards the source of the disturbance. Not a further word was said as the flashlights were switched on and they purposefully propelled themselves down the long, dark corridor, like two sentinels looking for a break-in, shinning the beam of light from one direction to another, trying to source the ruckus. It was at that point that they both noticed a dim bluish light emanating from the patient in bed eleven. It was not the patient but something indistinguishable, something hovering over the head of the bed. ‘What the fu..?’exclaimed Louise, chocked into not finishing her uncouth exclamation. ‘Oh my god, what is it?’replied Gail but there was no answer from her colleague. Both nurses were experienced night shift workers and had seen a lot over the years but they had never encountered anything like this before. The Bluish tinge was ill defined and was emanating from the wall, it was impossible to determine what it was but it stood out of the ordinary and seemed like a human form but only partially human, it seemed to be a floating torso that was focusing on the patient who lay helpless and seemingly asleep beneath the apparition. Mr Warren, the patient on bed eleven, had been an inpatient for the last three days, was an elderly man who had been transferred to the surgical ward with acute bowel obstruction, undergone surgery and was now recovering. So why was this “thing”picking on him? They wondered about this as they tried to make sense of the unbelievable spectacle that they now faced. It was unusual in every way and unearthly to the extreme, frightening and ghoulish. As they hurried toward the figure, it must have sensed the oncoming rush of the two staff members coming to the patient’s rescue and it deliberately turned to face them. Both ladies were now frozen to the spot, petrified at encountering this unearthly spectre. It was soul and ugly to say the least. Sunken eyes within a now well defined angry face, mouth snarling and the eyes focused on the two innocent nurses. The eyes were evil and piercing. Its arms were outwardly reaching for the patient’s face, as if wanting to extinguish the poor man’s life, suffocation was possibly it’s intention? Gail shone the strong beam of light straight at it and the result was to make the demonic appearance angrier as it swooped further into the ward from the wall that had previously housed it and it turned more definitively towards them, as if ready for battle. ‘Shit, what do we do now?’exclaimed Louise as Gail went into automatic pilot…She was wildly flaying her arms about, shooing it away and nervously talking to it. ‘In the name of god almighty, leave the poor man alone’‘Go away, shoo you ugly bastard’as she lashed her arms at it in quick succession, as if in an attempt to push it away from her patient. This did not seem to have much impact as it now stood in front of them, no longer floating horizontally but standing up to them, vertically and slowly making its way towards them, threatening the custodians of the ward. Both nurses were now very afraid but they were there to protect their patients although no book in their respective training courses had ever prepared for dealing with demons or ghosts. This was new ground and it was a sharp learning curve they faced. To make matters worse, Mr Warren was now awake, shaking in his bed as he could see the battle between good and evil was being fought over him. ‘Please don’t let it take me away, I don’t want to go with it, please’he cried. Soon the whole bay of patients was awake from the commotion and although they were mostly elderly patients, they got up off their beds and rallied round their nurses. They threw pillows at it, kicked and hit out at this being. The makeshift teamwork was having an effect as it now seemed to be confused and lacked the previous malevolent focus it had demonstrated. This dark force was now looking around at all the participants, trying to hit back when suddenly it turned back and jumped through the solid wall where it had originally appeared and now thankfully disappeared. It was all very quick, from the furore and commotion to sudden silence. Louise and Gail shook as much as Mr Warren was shaking and quaking, firmly cocooned in his bed with the bed covers around him like a protective shield. The three battling patients, Mr Jackson, Mr Williams and Mr McIver, although slightly dishevelled and confused, had helped the staff in battle and had won. The dark matter that had battled with them had vanished. ‘I don’t know what that was dear but can we do something about not having them back again, my leg is killing me’Mr McIver said. ‘So is my back’replied Mr Williams. Mr Jackson was now sitting on the side of his bed and just said ‘that was the most exercise I have had in years, reminded me of the old days when I boxed in the army’. Louise and Gail smiled and thanked them all, helped them back into bed and made them all a warm drink to help them rest. Mr Warren was a nervous wreck, unable to settle and wondering why he had been the target of this evil apparition. Of course there were no answers available at this point but they would of course report this and protect them all. Gail and Louise checked the patient’s observations and once satisfied there was nothing unduly wrong with them physically; they left the battling geriatrics and made their way to the nurses’station to write their reports. As both baffled nurses worked their way to the office, they could not help but ponder on the events that had just taken part in. There were no explanations; there were no solutions or plans just questions. The main questions being what were that and what was it doing with Mr Warren? They sat and sipped on a coffee that Louise had made them both and wrote down the reports. They read them and agreed that it did not make any sense but they had written facts, however hard to believe, they were facts. ‘Ghosts and ghouls should not feature on patient notes but this is an exception’said Gail. ‘In all my years I have never felt so frightened, helpless and vulnerable’she continued. ‘Thanks god the other patients came to our assistance, otherwise who knows what would have been the resulting outcome, brrrr, frightening’Louise shuddered. ‘I’d better check on the old fellow, Mr Warren, poor old soul’Gail said. Louise continued to pen her account and Gail made her way down the corridor of the ward. All was well, or so it seemed. Everyone was asleep and as she gently approached Mr Warren, she noticed he was still. He was more still than he should have been as she waited for his chest to rise and take a breath. This was never to happen again. Gail became very upset as she now felt for a pulse or any sign of life... He was dead. She shone her torch t the cold and lifeless corpse and noted his pallor and strangely distorted face, eyes fixed towards the wall where the spectre had originated from. Whatever the result of the last few minutes were, either it was too much for this frail elderly person to take or…. The demon had been back to reclaim the soul he had targeted.

Chapter 13 from Hilarity in the Hills

This is a snippet from the book. A sample of what you can read and enjoy.
Wholesome fun

Hilarity in the Hills
Chapter 13

The Cycle Ride As part of their itinerary for their original holiday in the Alps, the families had envisaged some mountain biking. They were obviously not in the French Alps but were still in need of a good cycling adventure. Jerome and Pierce had been to the nearest town and located a cycle hire shop. Frances and Ann would “chill-out” with Phillip at the lodge, catch up on some reading and maybe go for a short walk. Phillip was too young to go out cycling and as he could not cycle yet, he would not enjoy the experience. The plan was for the three eldest boys, Sophie and the dads to have a cycle around the many routes the surrounding area offered. The bonus was that the bikes looked in good shape and the price was very reasonable. ‘They are only six Euros for the day per bike and we need six of them so it should be a good day’ Jerome remarked. ‘Yes, with enough for a nice spot of lunch and maybe a swift beer?’ added Pierce. ‘Very civilized, let’s go for it…’ The cycling team jumped in the seven- seated vehicle and headed for the nearby town, in readiness for the next adventure. Parked and excited, the six made their way to the little cycle hire shop just off the main boulevard. Pierce now addressed the gent behind the counter as they admired the blue mountain bikes they hoped to mount after a few minutes. ‘Je voudrais seize vélos s'il vous plaît’ ‘Je suis désolé, je dois seulement quatorze’ the man responded. Pierce took a moment to consolidate what he said and looked at his phrase book to construct his next attempt at communicating in French ‘ Je ne veux seize vélos’ he replied, frustrated at the reply he had been given. ‘This fellow says he only has fourteen bikes, I don’t really care about that, I just want six…’ he said to Jerome. Bruce tugging at his arm in an attempt to interrupt his dad but was firmly told ‘let me concentrate, this man is not making sense’. Pierce again addressed the attendant ‘je voudrais seize vélos s'il vous plaît’ The same answer was forthcoming ‘Je suis désolé, je dois seulement quatorze’ the man responded. Bruces percerverence paid off as he finally got his frustrated father’s attention ‘Dad, you are asking for sixteen bycicles – not six’ ‘Oh, well, in that case…’ Pierce replied embarrasingly This now made perfect sense and he re-phrased his statement ‘Pardon, je dois seulement six vélos’. ‘Okay’ the man replied, now fully aware of what the cause of the misunderstanding was as he issued them with padlock keys and the corresponding numbers for the cycles. After paying their deposit plus the cost of the hire and getting a few route maps, they decided on a fifteen mile ride around the town and surrounding area. This would take them a few hours; they would take in the French landscape and use a few calories up. They planned a route that would take them through the local park and eventually end up back in the shop in a few hours. They were now about to embark on their next voyage of discovery. The bicycles were all metallic blue in colour, good tread on the tyres and the breaks all worked. They were well kept and clean, obviously a reputable hire shop, no rubbish dispensed on them. They unlocked the chains and sited them under their seats, tidily out of the way, placed the cycling helmets neatly on their heads and climbed on their bikes, a new adventure was about to start. They followed the route on the map through the town which brought them to a quiet, picturesque country road surrounded by beautiful trees, on-going sprawls of purple lavender fields and green pastures dotted with cows and sheep. The panorama was serene and inspiring, coupled with the heat of the warm summer sun and the tweeting of the myriad of birds on the trees, it was heavenly. Fifteen minutes in: The cyclists regrouped at the top of a hill and were reading themselves for the next stage of the route which would see them glide down a steep hill and up another. Pierce and his boys descended at speed, the cooling breeze they created as their free-wheeling velocity increased was welcoming. Once at the bottom, they had gathered speed to accelerate up the sharp incline, their free-wheeling enabling them to pound at the pedals to get them up the demanding slope. Pierce was at the back and heard Sophie shouting ‘Uncle Pierce look at me’. He turned as the smiling young lady was proudly accelerating down the hill with her father behind her in the trailing bike. At that moment, he saw the front wheel wobble, making the handle for Sophie’s bike shudder. Her expression changed from excitement to worry and before he could shout any advice she was on the tarmacked road. A stunned Sophie lay on the floor as the two adult cyclists dismounted urgently in aid of the dismounted and traumatised cyclist.  Thanks fully she had not sustained a head injury but the injured left knee that had taken the brunt of the fall was now bleeding profusely. The graze was approximately 5cm in area and there was a deep cut to the outer aspect of the knee. Sophie cried, tears of pain and embarrassment as Jerome and Pierce attended to her. They had a few tissues in pockets and a bottle of water which they used to uncover the mega-graze that was now present. Between them, they managed to stem the bleeding at the side of the country road and cleaned the gash / graze to a point where it looked red, angry and sore, but no fresh blood was gushing from the area. ‘I’m going to have to take her into town and find a pharmacy to get some plasters ‘Jerome stated in-between consoling his distraught daughter and brushing the small “gravillons” off her palms. ‘We’ll come with you’ replied Pierce as his boys arrived by their side. ‘No, you carry on, it’s not too long a walk back, we will meet you in town in a few hours, back in the cycle hire shop, shall we say six o’clock?’ ‘That gives us three hours of riding around; if you are sure you won’t need any help?’ ‘We will be just fine, we will take it easy and sit somewhere and have lunch eh?’ Sophie nodded in agreement as she sobbed out of despair and pain combined, she had so looked forward to the bike ride, alas it was a short one. Jerome headed back to town, pushing both bikes as Sophie held on to her dad and limped away into the distance in search of sticky plasters and solace. Pierce and his boys now headed back up the hill, with renewed effort and focus, determined to complete the route on the map. They cycled and chatted as they went, enjoying the scenery and making a pit stop for a quick lunch of French bread, cheese and salami from a little vending stop near the park. They were now cycling beside the river, muddy but off-roading was something they had looked forward to. The bikes were scattered with a deep brown mud that had flicked all over their backs as there were no mud-guards on these cycles, in order to make them lighter. The fun they had was evident as the boys were riding into more obstacles, jumping off logs and generally putting the bikes through their paces. It was some time after their lunch that the Gastro-colic reflex hit Pierce and Bruce! ‘I need to use the toilet urgently, I need a poo’ said Bruce. ‘Me too, there must be some here in the park’ added Pierce. ‘you could always go behind a bush’ Simon said, to which both potential users declined and opted to find a convenience and utilise it. Dean had been the map reader and he looked at the route map the cycle shop owner had provided and identified where the lavatories were. ‘There are toilets about a mile down the embankment’ he remarked. ‘How long will it take to get there?’ Bruce enquired worryingly ‘Hurry up, I’m about to “touch-Cloth” soon’ he added. ‘It should take us about ten minutes or less, if we race there’ his dad reassured. At this point they headed pretty fast towards the sanctuary of the toilets, in the hope they would get there before they had an accident of a different type to Sophie’s… They were soon at the side of a small building that stood in the middle of the parkland, the toilets were open so Pierce and Bruce threw their bikes on the floor and run in. There were three cubicles and some urinals in the men’s toilets. They were not the most sanitary of toilets but they would provide a suitable place to go! Bruce headed straight into one and sat on the toilet just in time as Pierce could hear the plopping of the faeces hitting the water in the bowl and the relief on his voice. Pierce, being the responsible adult and although desperate to use the toilet himself, checked both vacant booths for toilet paper. One was disgusting as the previous incumbent must have had diarrhoea and left a trail of it on the floor and on the seat. No toilet roll in that one, he checked the next booth. Again, no toilet rolls there either! ‘Have you got any toilet paper in your booth Bruce?’ he inquired in the hope of an affirmation that there was a means to wipe after their evacuation. ‘Erm, no dad, there isn’t any but Dean has some spare tissues in his pocket’ Bruce assured his desperate dad who was now getting colicky cramps that needed to be relieved. He darted outside and was about to address his sons who were minding the four cycles only to find Dean cleaning the mud off the hire bike with a wad of tissues that he had hoped would have been used for their more urgent needs. ‘Bruce, are they the only tissues you have?’ he asked in a stern voice. ‘Yes, why?’ the youngster replied. ‘Why are you cleaning the bike it’s not a priority is it?’ the needy dad retorted disappointingly, now in cramp-like pain from the call of nature ‘Why, because we need them to wipe our sodding butt, that is why, have you got any other tissues?’ ‘No, sorry’ was the answer Pierce did not want to hear… ‘Right, give me the blasted map’ he asserted as he pulled the map of his young sons hand and run back into the disgusting and poorly provisioned toilets. ‘Bruce, you will have to scrunch the paper and use it, you can have the green route map, I will have the red route map and make sure you use both sides, there are no more maps… ‘ Catastrophes averted, they were now able to enjoy the rest of their cycling adventures. Six o’clock was when the family regrouped as arranged. Sophie was smiling, still limping and sporting a big plaster on her knee. They stopped off for a drink, coke and Fanta for the children and a well-earned glass of beer for the men… ‘It’s time to return to the nest’ Jerome stated and they made their way back to the house of wood.